HUMOUR
AIRBORNE BLONDE JOKE
An aircraft is on its way from Hong Kong to Sydney. A ravishing blonde woman from Economy Class gets up and moves to a spare seat in First Class and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she has paid for Economy Class and that she will have to go back and take her assigned seat on the plane. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful! I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here!” The flightattendant goes to the cockpit and tells the captain and copilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who shouldn’t be there and refuses to move back to her seat in Economy Class (as if the two pilots had nothing better to do as they fly the aircraft!) The co-pilot walks from the cockpit up to the blonde and explains to her that because she paid for Economy she is only entitled to a seat in that class division, and therefore she must go back to her assigned seat. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde; I’m beautiful! I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here!”
The exasperated pilot returns to the cockpit and tells the captain that it was no use – the blonde female passenger will just not listen to reason. The captain says, “You say
she’s blonde? I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde and I speak blonde fluently!”
He then leaves his seat in the cockpit, approaches the passenger, leans down and
whispers in her ear. She says, “Oh, I’m
so sorry – I really had no idea!” The
blonde bimbo then gets up and moves
back to her original seat in Economy
Class.
The flight attendant and the co-pilot
are amazed at this and ask him what he
said to make the stubborn woman move
back to Economy without any further
fuss. The captain says, “No big deal. I
just told her that First Class does not
land in Sydney…”
„ÑTHE AUSSIE AND
THE MUSLIM
A devout Muslim was seated next to
an Australian on a flight to London,
England to Melbourne, Australia. Soon
after the aircraft was airborne, drink
orders were taken. The Aussie asked for
a rum and coke, which was promptly
brought and placed before him on a
small tray.
The flight attendant then asked the
Muslim if he would like a drink. He
replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely
raped by a dozen whores that let liquor
touch my lips!”
On hearing this, the Aussie handed his
drink back to the air hostess and said,
“Me too. I didn’t realise that we had a
choice!”
„ÑONE-LINERS FROM
PETER KAY
I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt
with ‘Guess?’ written on it. I said,
“Thyroid problem?”
When I was a kid I used to pray every
night for a new bike. Then I realised
that The Lord does not work that
way, so I stole one and then went to
Confession and asked him to forgive
me.
I’ve often wanted to drown my troubles,
but I can’t get my wife to go swimming
with me.
I was doing some decorating, so I got
out my stepladder. (I don’t get on with
my real ladder).
I went to a restaurant that advertises
that it serves ‘breakfast at any time”;
so I ordered French toast during the
Renaissance periodA cement mixer collided with a prison
van on the Kingston by-pass. Motorists
are asked to be on the lookout for
sixteen hardened criminals.
I was bullied at school, called al kinds
of different abusive names. But one
day I turned on these bullies and said,
“Stick and stones may break my bones,
but names will never hurt me” – and it
worked! From then on they threw sticks
and stones at me every day for the rest
of my schooldays….
My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire
with fire!’ which is probably why he got
thrown out of the local Fire Brigade.
Sex is like playing bridge: if you don’t
have a good partner, you’d better have a
good hand.
I once saw six men kicking and
punching the mother-in-law. My
neighbour said, ‘Are you going to help?’
I said, “No, six should be enough to get
the job done.”
If we are not supposed to eat animals,
then why are they made out of meat?
I think that testing animals is a terrible
idea: they get all nervous and give the
wrong answers.
You know that look women get when
they want sex? No, me neither.
Politicians are wonderful people as long
as they stay away from things they don’t
understand, such as working for a living.
I was the kid next door’s imaginary
friend.
Right now I’m having amnesia and
déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve
forgotten this before.
„ÑPETER KAY’S
UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
1) Triangular sandwiches always taste
better than square ones
2) At the end of every party there is
always a girl crying
3) One of the most awkward things that
can happen in a pub is when your pintto-
toilet cycle gets synchronised with a
complete stranger
4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife
makes you feel really macho and manly
5) You’re never quite sure whether it’s
against the law or not to start a fire in
your back garden
6) Nobody ever makes a ‘cup-a-soup’ in
a bowl
7) You never know where to look when
eating a banana
8) You always feel a bit scared when
stroking a large horse
9) The smaller the monkey the more
it looks as if it will bite you hard at the
first opportunity it gets
10) Every man has at some stage whilst
taking a pee, flushed halfway through
and then raced against the flush
11) It’s impossible to look cool whilst
picking up a Frisbee
12) Driving through a tunnel makes you
feel excited
13) Old ladies can eat and drink more
than you think
14) You just cannot respect any man
who carries his dog around
15) Despite constant warnings about
this, you have never met anybody who
had had their arm broken by a swan
16) You turn into your dad the day
that you put aside a thin piece of wood
specifically to stir paint with
17) Knowledge is knowing that a
tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting
one in a fruit salad
„ÑWHO’S ON FIRST?
(UPDATED)
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were
both alive today, their famous sketch,
‘Who’s on First?’ might have turned out
something like this:
Abbott: Super Duper computer store.
Can I help you?
Costello: Thanks. I’m setting up an
office in my den and I’m thinking about
buying a computer.
A: Mac?
C: No, the name’s Lou.
A: Your computer?
C: I don’t own a computer. I want to
buy one.
A: Mac?
C: I told you, my name is Lou.
A: What about Windows?
C: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
A: Do you want a computer with
Windows?
C: I don’t know. What will I see when I
look at the windows?
A: Wallpaper.
C: Never mind the windows; I need a
computer and software to go with it.
A: Software for Windows?
C: No. On the computer! I need
something I can use to write programs,
track expenses and run my whole
business. What do you have?
A: Office.
C: Yeah, for my office. Can you
recommend anything?
A: I just did.
C: You just did what?
A: Recommend something.
C: You recommended something?
A: Yes sir.
C: For my office?
A: Yes.
C: OK, what did you recommend for
my office?
A: Office.
C: Yes, for my office!
A: I recommend Office with Windows.
C: I already have an office with
windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting
at my computer and I want to type a
proposal. What do I need?
A: Word.
C: What word?
A: Word in Office.
C: The only word in office is ‘office’!
A: The Word in Office for Windows.
C: Which word in office for windows?
A: The Word you get when you click
on the blue ‘W’.
C: I’m going to click your blue ‘W’
if you don’t start with some straight
answers. What about financial
bookkeeping? You have anything I cantrack my business with?
A: Money.
C: That’s right. What do you have?
A: Money.
C: I need money to track my money?
A: It comes bundled with your
computer.
C: What’s bundled with
my computer?
A: Money.
C: Money comes with
my computer?
A: Yes, no extra charge.
C: I get a bundle of
money with my new
computer. How much?
A: One copy.
C: Isn’t it illegal to copy
money?
A: Microsoft gave us a
licence to copy Money.
C: They can give you a licence to copy
money?
A: Why not? They own it!
(A few days later)
Abbott: Super Duper computer store.
How can I help you?
Costello: How do I turn my new
computer off?
Abbott: Click on ‘START’…………
„ÑPAU L V. HEA THER
(Round 10)
After her recent Television outburst
a shrink said that Heather Mills-
McCartney might just be unbalanced.
When asked to comment, Sir Paul
said he found that a couple of beer
mats placed under her left foot usually
helped…
„ÑCHILDREN AND GOD
- Three-year-old Reese: “Our Father,
who does art in heaven, Harold is his
name. Amen.”
- A small boy was overheard praying:
“Lord, if you can’t make me a better
boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a
real good time just as I am.”
- After the Christening of his baby
brother in church, Jason sobbed all
the way home in the back seat of his
dad’s car. His father asked him three
times what was wrong. Finally, the boy
replied, That preacher said he wanted
us brought up in a Christian home, and
I just want to stay with you guys.”
- One four-year-old prayed: “And
forgive us our trash baskets just as we
forgive those who put trash in our
baskets.”
- A Sunday school teacher asked her
children as they were on the way to
church service. “And just why is it
necessary to be quiet in Church?”
One bright little girl replied, “Because
people are sleeping?”
- A mother was preparing pancakes
for her sons, Kevin, aged
5 and Ryan, aged 3. The
boys soon began to argue
as to who would get the
first pancake. Their mother saw the
opportunity for a moral lesson.
“If Jesus was here,” she told them, “He
would surely say ‘Let my brother have
the first pancake. I can wait.’ Do you
get the message?”
Kevin turned to his younger brother
and said, “Ryan, you can be Jesus!”
- A father was at the beach with his
children when his four-year-old son ran
up to him, grabbed his right hand, and
led him to a spot where a large seagull
lay dead just by the waterline. “Daddy,
what happened to him?” asked the boy.
“I guess that he just died and went to
heaven,” replied the father.
The boy pondered on this for a few
seconds, and then asked, “Did God
throw him back down?”
„ÑPOSH
The term ‘posh’ is an English expression
to designate rich and privileged
persons. It originates from the 19th and
20th centuries when vessels sailed from
England to the Americas. Apparently
the prevailing wind on the journey from
London or Portsmouth was cooling on
the left (port) side of the vessels; so
that cabins on that side were favoured
and more expensive. On the return
journey, the right (starboard) side had
the prevailing cooling breeze. Hence
the expression, ‘Port outward; starboard
return’ i.e. ‘POSH’.
„ÑSn iper position for
rent during NATO Summit
The NATO Summit in Bucharest,
Romania was on April 2-4, 2008 and
someone posted a hilarious ad on his
blog:
From my terrace you have a clear view
of the People’s House where the NATO
2008 Summit will take place between
2nd and 4th of April. I’m renting out
space for whatever needs you might
have: TV crew, sniper, etc.
Details:
- each spot has 1m width
- multiple spots available
- 24/7 access to the terrace
- soft drinks and snacks included
- access to a bathroom and storage
facility (limited availability)
Price: 5000 EUR / spot / day
For preferred positioning a 25%
surcharge will be applied (first come
first served basis).
Only one person is allowed for every
spot purchased. Additional persons are
charged at 500 EUR / person / day for a
maximum of 3 persons / spot.
Outside NATO summit period you get
a 50% discount for all services.
Full prepayment is required one week
in advance to book a spot. I can take
Cash, VISA/Mastercard via PayPal or
Bank transfer in Romania or offshore
account.
Serious inquiries only.
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