HUMOUR
CRIMEWATCH CORNER
Where I name and shame the desperados dragging our society into the gutter Case number 1: Step up to the stocks World War II ‘Desert Rat’ veteran Lenny Woodward. Now Lenny didn’t stab anyone to death or keep his children in a cellar for 30 years, but in the view of the ‘Powers That Be’, his crime is no less serious. You see Mr Woodward committed the heinous offence of ‘Putting an Empty Tomato Sauce Bottle in the Wrong Bin’, contrary to the Recycle (Or Be Shot) Act of 2008. There is no excuse: Mr Woodward had been issued with the full complement of directives: a blue wheelie bin for cans and cardboard, a green box for glass and a black bin for other waste. Regardless of this, he blithely threw the ketchup bottle into the blue bin when (as any fool knows) they should have gone into the green box. Now I don’t want to hear that Woodward is 95 years old and therefore possibly confused or even that he is almost blind and could hardly read the council’s orders. Indeed, if he’d read the ‘Yellow Card’ the bin-men left him and publicly apologised on his knees on the steps of Norwich Town Hall, he wouldn’t have subsequently received the ‘Red Card’ that denied him any further collections. Rules are rules, ladies and gentlemen. And any man who can map-read his way across the war-torn deserts of North Africa while fighting for our freedom must surely be able to understand a simple, 12-page, small-print, council directive. So, officer, take him down! Case number 2: At least the criminal Woodward managed to put his rubbish into a bin, albeit the wrong one. Mr Keith Hirst didn’t even bother trying, allegedly discarding an apple core on the public pavement. The 54-year-old plumber, who has had heart surgery, then had the temerity to complain when he was surrounded by five police officers, arrested, had his fingerprints and DNA taken, and was locked up in a police cell for 18 hours before being marched off to court in handcuffs. Honestly, some people. (From Mike Bentley)
POLISH DIVORCE A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American woman. Although his spoken English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into his lawyer’s office and asked the man if he could arrange a divorce for him “very quick!” The lawyer replied that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and proceeded to ask him the following questions: Lawyer: “Have you any grounds?” Pole: “Ja, Ja, acre and a half and nice little home.”
L: “No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
P: “It made of concrete.”
L: (Sighing) “Does either of you have a real grudge?”
P: “No, we have carport, and not need one.”
L: “I mean, what are your relations like?”
P: “All my relations still in Poland.”
L: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
P: “Ja, we have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.”
L: “Does your wife beat you up?” P: “No, I always up before her.”
L: “Is your wife a nagger?”
P: “No, she is white.”
L: “Just why do you want this divorce?”
P: “She is going to kill me.”
L: “What makes you think that?”
P: “I got proof.”
L: “What kind of proof?”
P: “She is going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.”
L: “So, how is that proof?”
P: “I can read English; and it say, ‘Polish Remover!’”
WIFEBEATINGÑ„
An old Turkish saying: ‘You must beat your wife every day. If you do not know the reason, she will.’
FROG STORYÑ„
A frog enters a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. “Miss Whack,” he says, “I’d like to get a loan of thirty thousand pounds to take a holiday abroad.” Patty looks at the large green frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog tells her that he is Kermit Jagger, and his father is Mick Jagger. He concludes: “Its okay, the manager here knows me.” Patty then explains to Mr K Jagger that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. Kermit Jagger says, “Sure, Miss Whack, I have this.” He produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch (5 cm tall), bright pink and perfectly formed. Now thoroughly confused, Patty explains that she will have to consult with the bank manager and excusing herself, walks into the back office, taking the porcelain elephant with her. She tells the manager, “There’s a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you. He wants to borrow 30,000 pounds sterling, and he wants to use this as collateral.” She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what do you make of this?” The manager looks up with a smile and joyfully bursts into song: (Are you ready for this?) “It’s a knick-knack, Patty Whack! Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone!” (Yes, it’s a groaner, folks) WHATA GAY BLADE!Ñ A Russian man sleeping off a night of after-work drinking failed to notice that he had a six-inch (15 cm) knife stuck in his back – until he wife woke him up. Yuri Laylin, an electrician aged 53, took a bus home, ate breakfast and apparently slept like a baby before his spouse noticed a knife handle sticking out of his back. He was rushed to a casualty ward at a nearby hospital where doctors carefully removed the knife and found no vital organs damaged. Mr Laylin shrugged off the episode but the drinking partner who stabbed him faces trial, reported Russian media. His alleged attacker reported the crime to the local police in the city of Vologda, but Mr Laylin apparently felt fine afterwards and bore him no ill-will. “We were drinking heavily, and what doesn’t happen when you are drunk?” he was quoted by ‘Komsomolskaya Pravda’.
WOMEN AND MENÑ
Nicknames: If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. During the meal, two of them will go to the toilet together and gossip about the other one. If Mike, Dave and John go out together, they will affectionately refer to each other as ‘Fat Boy’, ‘Godzilla’ and ‘Four-Eyes’, and they will never go to the toilet in pairs.
Eating Out: When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in a thousand baht, even though the bin is only for 2,300 baht. None of them will have anything smaller and none of them will admit that they want change back. When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. Money: A man will pay 200 baht for an item worth 100 baht that he needs. A woman will pay 100 baht for an item worth 200 baht that she does not need, but it just happens to be on sale. Bathrooms: A man has six items in his bathroom – toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in a woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these.
Arguments: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. Future: A woman worries about the future until she gains a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. Success: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Marriage: A woman marries a man expecting that he will change – and sometimes he does. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but of course she does. Dressing: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the telephone, read a book, and get the post. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. Natural: Men wake up looking just the same as they did when they went to sleep seven hours earlier. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. Offspring: A woman knows all about her children. She knows their dates of birth, romances, best friends, favourite foods, dental appointments, and their secret fears and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short, noisy people who seem to live in his house. Thought for the day: A married man should forget his mistakes. There is no use in two people remembering the same thing. MEDAL MUDDLEÑWhen Sebastian Coe first became a Conservative member of Parliament (for Falmouth and Camborne in England’s West Country), he encountered the formidable Margaret Thatcher, Britain’s first female Prime Minister from 1979 to 1990. Now Ms Thatcher was famous for many things, including her total ignorance of sport.
“Well then, Mister Coe”, she purred, “welcome to Parliament and the Party. I believe that you once won an Olympic gold medal?” “No Ma’m”, replied Coe. “I won two.” THEWISEDOM OF SOCRATES One day Socrates was walking in the Agora when an acquaintance ran up to him and excitedly said, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?” Socrates paused. “Wait a moment”, said the great philosopher, “before you tell me, I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the ‘Test of Three.’ Let’s take a moment to test out what you are going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?” “No”, the man replied. “Actually I have just heard about it.” “All right”, rejoined Socrates. “So you don’t really know it if it is true or not. Now let’s try the second test – the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?” “No”, said the man. “On the contrary…..”
“So”, interrupted Socrates, “you wish to tell me something bad about my student even though you are not certain that it is true?” The man shrugged. Socrates then continued, “You may still pass and tell me this thing because there is a third test – the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?” The man shrugged again. “No, not really,” he admitted. “Well then,” concluded Socrates, “If what you want to tell me is neither true, nor good or even useful, why tell it to me at all?” The man, admitting complete defeat in the three tests that he had been set, then felt ashamed, and said no more. This is the reason why Socrates was such a great philosopher and was held in such high esteem during his lifetime and beyond. It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was bonking his wife. FEELING CHILLI?Ñ A young cowboy walks into The Oak in Sequin, Texas – a famous corner café. He sits at the counter, orders a coffee and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly into a full bowl of steaming Chilli. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there, sipping at his coffee, the youngster bravely asks the old cowpoke, “Mister, if you gonna eat that, mind if I do? I’m real hungry, and I don’t get paid till next week.” The old man slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and says, “Nah, you go ahead, son.” Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning the meal with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl before he notices a dead mouse curled up amid the dregs of the food. The sight shocks him so much that he pukes up the Chilli back into the bowl, and reels away from the counter, choking. The old cowboy quietly says, “Yep; that’s about as far as I got, too.”
POLITICAL POSTERÑ A ZANU-PF poster in Zimbabwe before the general election in June 2008 showed George W Bush, Tony Blair, Gordon Brown and Morgan Tsvangirai, with the message, ‘The Losers Club. Together we can beat them all. Vote for Robert Mugabe.’ Well, if these guys are ‘Losers’ why is there a need to beat them? Or am I missing something here?
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